March 13, 2025

Navigating Relationship Tensions

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348: When you miss your spouse's cues, how do you find your way back to connection? Our deep dive into Song of Solomon chapter 5 reveals a profound portrait of marriage after the honeymoon phase, when miscommunication and hurt feelings create distance between lovers.

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00:06 - Exploring Song of Solomon 5

03:20 - The Sleeping Heart: Understanding Rejection

08:10 - Marriage Dynamics: Serving vs Standing Ground

11:16 - Missing Each Other in Relationship

16:30 - Community Support in Marriage

20:00 - Leaving a Blessing During Conflict

25:56 - Leading Through Conflict Not Passivity

WEBVTT

00:00:06.608 --> 00:00:08.871
and welcome back to pastor plex podcast.

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I'm your host, pastor plec, and joining me in studio is none other than muhammad ali.

00:00:14.865 --> 00:00:16.489
Hello, pastor mo.

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It preached our sermon on sunday and then also from the east side, pastor hollandgg, how are we doing?

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Doing great.

00:00:24.326 --> 00:00:24.786
Thanks, Chris.

00:00:25.086 --> 00:00:31.734
Well, you know, awesome experience this past Sunday we got into Song of Solomon, chapter 5.

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And the first couple verses talked about really the previous week.

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It ended with eat, friends, drink and be drunk with love, but then things after the honeymoon experience of a lot of sexual intimacy then jumps into verse two.

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Take it away from there, mo.

00:00:54.691 --> 00:00:59.883
What did you experience or what do you think is going on in this story?

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In fact, I have a question oriented around verses 2 through 7 of chapter 5.

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The question is in the book of Song of Solomon, are verses chapter 5, 2 through 7 a dream, because it starts with I slept and he said he's looking up Constable's notes, which, if you're familiar with Dr Tom Constable, one of my professors from Dallas Seminary, he says it's a dream?

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What say ye Muhammad?

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Maybe it doesn't matter, to me it doesn't matter.

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It can be.

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One of my favorite answers in seminary was could be, could be, could be, and then I would get so angry because I would be like, no, just tell me the answer.

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And he'd be like could be.

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I slept, but my heart was awake, yeah.

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And the slept in the Hebrew.

00:01:48.641 --> 00:01:52.968
When I looked it up, it also could mean I laid down and my heart was awake.

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It's the same word.

00:01:55.093 --> 00:01:56.013
Well, that's frustrating.

00:01:56.194 --> 00:01:57.923
Yeah, it doesn't matter.

00:01:57.923 --> 00:01:59.567
But why doesn't it matter it?

00:01:59.587 --> 00:02:00.230
doesn't change anything.

00:02:00.230 --> 00:02:00.951
Explain yourself.

00:02:00.951 --> 00:02:03.025
You're saying the Bible doesn't matter.

00:02:03.045 --> 00:02:14.808
No, no, no, it doesn't matter whether she was awake or she's dreaming it, because what happens in the actual thing, in the actual text, that's what matters.

00:02:16.985 --> 00:02:20.387
To be fair, this is a poem, it's a song.

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That's like asking the question.

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The thing that I brought up is when the guards beat her up.

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Was that a good thing or a bad thing?

00:02:29.691 --> 00:02:31.081
it doesn't matter that's not the point.

00:02:31.081 --> 00:02:32.688
It could have been corrupt guards.

00:02:32.688 --> 00:02:36.063
Yes, they were getting paid off, but the important thing is she got beat down.

00:02:36.085 --> 00:02:43.187
It was painful yeah, or or they thought she was a prostitute or a virgin sneaking around out of her dad's house, and then then they did do good.

00:02:43.228 --> 00:02:45.111
Who knows, that doesn't matter, it doesn't matter.

00:02:45.111 --> 00:02:48.669
It doesn't matter Like, stop worrying about, like the policeman.

00:02:48.889 --> 00:02:49.070
Yeah.

00:02:49.420 --> 00:02:50.944
Is this a police brutality verse?

00:02:50.944 --> 00:02:51.606
No, it's not.

00:02:51.806 --> 00:02:52.729
No no.

00:02:53.110 --> 00:02:53.551
Okay so.

00:02:54.401 --> 00:02:58.430
Okay, but you know, here's my what is your.

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I slept, but my heart was awake.

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This verse is in there for a reason first is in there for a reason.

00:03:05.162 --> 00:03:06.185
What are you supposed to get from that?

00:03:06.185 --> 00:03:06.847
I what I get from that.

00:03:06.847 --> 00:03:08.431
The biggest thing is that something in her heart is troubled.

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And then here comes the husband knocking on the door, and then, even after he knocks on the door, for some reason, she's still not about it right and it takes him showing her that he cares about her through what he does and he leaves murr on the doorknob.

00:03:24.004 --> 00:03:26.925
And that is what gets her to say my heart is thrilled within me.

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So there's this back and forth that she has within herself.

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That's why later she says my soul failed me because she knew she should have gotten up.

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And then later, when her friends ask her, hey, are you sure like you even want this guy she's?

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She goes off and says among ten thousands there is not another for me.

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So I think that's the big point and I think the art here is he's trying to convey she can't sleep because there's something wrong.

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So the poem, the song, brings out I was sleeping, but my heart was awake you know, like kind of a you know you get into the song right and like she's really feeling the pain and the pangs of that rage of sorrow, wow, yeah, thanks for really making that come alive for us.

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Listen, I think what happens for a lot of us is.

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We don't understand the poetry emotion here.

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She's sleeping, but awake.

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She can't sleep because there's something not right and a sound my beloved is knocking, saying open to me my sister, my love, my dove, my perfect one for my head is what would do my locks with the drops of the night.

00:04:39.379 --> 00:04:51.600
I love that because he's like I'm finally home after a long days of work and I, like you, thought he was out working or something and probably had said he would be at home a certain time but didn't make it.

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And she's fired up, pissed off about it, and she's like you're gonna pay for that.

00:04:55.529 --> 00:04:59.184
Yeah, I'm not moving, I'm not gonna get my feet dirty for you.

00:04:59.184 --> 00:04:59.665
That's right.

00:04:59.665 --> 00:05:03.391
Have you ever had your wife not get her feet dirty for you?

00:05:06.360 --> 00:05:16.449
You know what my wife loves to serve me and get her feet dirty for me, and I cannot recall a time right now when she refused, that that's a good answer.

00:05:16.470 --> 00:05:17.610
That was a really good answer.

00:05:17.990 --> 00:05:19.432
Yeah, well done.

00:05:19.471 --> 00:05:23.716
Yeah, I think we've all experienced not wanting to get up.

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I know none of you have done this, but I've of some other guys that, like when the baby would start crying, you just fake sleeping and then like, jab an elbow back and then like, oh, you're like rolling over and sleep and then she has to get up and go do it because that's, you know, it's like her job or something.

00:05:41.646 --> 00:05:42.629
Can I share something?

00:05:42.629 --> 00:05:57.615
Actually Okay so confession One of my biggest kind of like pet peeves in marriage would be when it's bedtime, it's time to go to sleep and I've brushed my teeth, taken a shower.

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I'm like I'm so tired, I plug my phone in, everything's just kind of ready, and then I lay down and I'm like my head hits the pillow and you're at that moment yeah, my wife would say can you get me a glass of water?

00:06:14.706 --> 00:06:17.552
and while you're up, can you find my charger?

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I thought, and can you?

00:06:18.853 --> 00:06:28.925
You know, and it's like all these things where I'm like man, I was literally just in the other room you know, if you would have just asked me a minute ago, right, but you waited until I'm in.

00:06:28.925 --> 00:06:31.973
That, like bliss of, I'm about to fall asleep, you know.

00:06:32.394 --> 00:06:32.535
Yeah.

00:06:32.620 --> 00:06:36.769
And I would get so annoyed and there would be times where you know I'd be like just die to yourself, just do it.

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And then there'd be other times where, like no, you're standing my ground.

00:06:39.762 --> 00:06:40.264
That that's right.

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You get your charger.

00:06:42.386 --> 00:06:43.286
Get your charger.

00:06:43.547 --> 00:06:55.899
Just you know, you're, just, you're up, you're not even tired, you're like on your phone, look at it, you know, and but so but then you know I was like you know what I?

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I made a decision a while back where I didn't like that, the times where I stood, my and I was like, no, I'm not going to you serve.

00:07:01.105 --> 00:07:03.668
I want to have this be a way that I love and serve and bless my wife.

00:07:03.668 --> 00:07:11.817
So I made a commitment, I told her, I said no matter what, no matter how tired I am, what it is, I'm always going to say yes.

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If you ask me for something and it's going to take the fight out of my head of like, do I do it or do I say it, it's just, my answer is always yes.

00:07:25.459 --> 00:07:26.923
And I actually say, as you wish, princess bride, yeah, I do the same thing.

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So I just say, as you wish, and now, no matter what, just a little bit, wow, I always do it, and um.

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And so I think she felt loved and blessed by that and also she's a little bit more conscious.

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She's like I know he's gonna say yes I don't want to put that, I'm just gonna do it myself sometimes and it's.

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It's made the whole thing.

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It's completely removed that pet peeve from our marriage oh, wow and I when say yes, she feels blessed by it and I get to love and serve her.

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And there's other times where she goes.

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You know what?

00:07:48.180 --> 00:07:49.264
I'm not going to have him do that.

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I'm going to do it myself.

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Well, there you go.

00:07:50.548 --> 00:07:51.009
Look at that.

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It's been a blessing.

00:07:51.973 --> 00:07:54.064
Yeah, I thought you were going to say, and she never asked again.

00:07:55.148 --> 00:08:06.579
No, she still.

00:08:06.579 --> 00:08:08.285
She knows that yes, now, and so she utilizes that.

00:08:08.305 --> 00:08:08.646
But she doesn't.

00:08:08.646 --> 00:08:19.552
She doesn't actually ask as much as she used to, just knowing, yeah, yeah, I, I think, uh, usually, um, I, there's a light that's left on that she senses, and then, when I'm about to go to bed, I'll, I am now tasked to go get it.

00:08:19.552 --> 00:08:24.937
I should probably do a better job of being very joyful about that, as you wish, as you wish.

00:08:25.059 --> 00:08:48.749
And the other thing I need to be better joyful at is when I'm about to pass out, have a sleep, and that's the time she decides to bring up a really bro, difficult conversation yes, yes it's like the moment where, like you know the whole time, we could add yeah, there there is like 30, 40 minutes of like us in the same room but, nothing was brought up about this particular topic, and then she waits until I'm almost.

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It's like hey, I've been thinking and I'm like oh my, what happened to the 45 minutes before this moment right now?

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What's going on?

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You've experienced that All the time.

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It's a challenge.

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I definitely can understand this woman.

00:09:02.207 --> 00:09:02.609
As you wish.

00:09:02.609 --> 00:09:03.484
As you wish.

00:09:05.841 --> 00:09:08.096
As you, as you wish, as you wish, yeah.

00:09:08.116 --> 00:09:08.339
As you wish.

00:09:08.339 --> 00:09:13.428
Which is funny, because for her it's like man I don't want to have sex with you right now but for the guy it's like man.

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I don't want to talk about this right now.

00:09:14.639 --> 00:09:16.044
It's the complete opposite, right?

00:09:16.044 --> 00:09:16.826
That is a great point.

00:09:16.826 --> 00:09:17.629
I never thought about that.

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That is dang it.

00:09:19.461 --> 00:09:20.543
Wow, that's wild.

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I missed it.

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That is like totally.

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That's it, yeah.

00:09:24.889 --> 00:09:29.160
Yeah, wow, I would have never thought Like.

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That just brings it all together for me?

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Yeah, it does.

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Like women don't want to have sex.

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Like at the last second.

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Yep, they're thinking why didn't you not prepare this, talk about it, initiate?

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You're waiting until this very second when I'm about to pass out.

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And for women, they start conversations when a man is about to pass out Yep.

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That's blew my mind, yep Right there, and that's why, if each person in the couple just takes on the mindset of as you wish.

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Everybody wins, everybody wins, everybody wins.

00:09:59.566 --> 00:10:05.817
Well, that's because 1 Corinthians 7.3, rend the affection due to one another.

00:10:05.817 --> 00:10:09.330
There you go, or as the ESV says, just give up the conjugal rights.

00:10:09.330 --> 00:10:12.927
Just right to it, right to it man.

00:10:13.059 --> 00:10:16.770
Okay so let's talk through then his response.

00:10:16.770 --> 00:10:22.466
I really love the way you brought this up on Sunday with, like my beloved put his hand to the latch and my heart was thrilled within me.

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I rose to open to my beloved Like how long did it take her to get to the door?

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That's the question.

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Like she could have been like hey, I'm so glad you're here, but she I don't know if the bolt took a while to and then gets it on and then she opens the door and she doesn't know where he is.

00:10:37.735 --> 00:10:44.390
Yeah, and that's she said.

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My soul failed me when he spoke, meaning she could have spoken up Yep.

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But she didn't.

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What do you think that was about?

00:10:52.326 --> 00:10:54.552
She's just regretting it, she's just like dang it.

00:10:54.552 --> 00:10:56.326
You know, I took too long to get to the door.

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I mean she sees him putting his hand through the latch with Murr.

00:11:01.787 --> 00:11:06.394
So she could have right there been like oh man, like come on in, you know whatever.

00:11:06.394 --> 00:11:11.135
So there are just so many times where she could have said something and she doesn't.

00:11:11.620 --> 00:11:12.625
Yeah, I love what you said.

00:11:12.625 --> 00:11:15.107
On Sunday they kept missing each other.

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I think that's a real difficult part of relationship when you keep missing one another, yep.

00:11:23.111 --> 00:11:28.448
Okay, then transition to the Watchmen.

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The Watchmen found.

00:11:29.091 --> 00:11:34.464
I know it's not about police brutality or it's not about any of that, but what do you think that the point is?

00:11:34.464 --> 00:11:39.571
She gets there's barriers, she gets hurt Yep, what is it?

00:11:39.740 --> 00:11:41.062
There's consequences to your actions.

00:11:41.159 --> 00:11:45.871
There's consequences to not reaching out.

00:11:47.985 --> 00:11:58.110
Yeah, because he did all the right things, he was sweet, he used good words, he showed her a gift, he waited for a little bit.

00:11:58.110 --> 00:12:07.115
So it's just like when your spouse pursues you in all the right ways and you don't respond, there's going to be some sort of internal turmoil probably.

00:12:08.725 --> 00:12:14.918
One of the things we talk about is that this passage of Scripture is interpreted as allegory, literal or typology.

00:12:14.918 --> 00:12:19.636
The one thing I thought was interesting, because you're not going to find this about Jesus anywhere.

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I sought him, but I didn't find him.

00:12:21.390 --> 00:12:25.154
That's exactly right, I was like what do you do with that?

00:12:25.154 --> 00:12:27.192
I called him, but he gave no answer.

00:12:27.192 --> 00:12:33.650
Seek and you will find, clearly is what the scripture says.

00:12:33.650 --> 00:12:37.116
Uh, and I don't want to.

00:12:37.116 --> 00:12:43.657
Sometimes it may feel like he's not answering, but I I I thought that was an interesting piece right here.

00:12:43.657 --> 00:12:44.946
As the alec, what?

00:12:44.946 --> 00:12:49.957
How do people who interpret this allegorically, how do you reconcile?

00:12:49.957 --> 00:12:51.912
I sought him, but didn't find him.

00:12:51.912 --> 00:12:53.551
Now ultimately she does.

00:12:53.751 --> 00:12:53.871
Yeah.

00:12:54.186 --> 00:12:56.538
But she has to be like hey, call the friends.

00:12:56.538 --> 00:12:57.202
Have you seen him?

00:12:57.323 --> 00:12:57.485
Yeah.

00:12:58.389 --> 00:12:59.111
I just don't know.

00:12:59.111 --> 00:13:05.030
Maybe that's like, if you're having a hard time with God, get the church around you to rally around prayer.

00:13:05.030 --> 00:13:10.691
But, man, it seems like that that's a miss on the allegorical interpretation.

00:13:11.052 --> 00:13:12.086
Maybe it could be.

00:13:12.086 --> 00:13:16.700
I mean, like Jeremiah, if you seek me with your whole heart, so maybe she wasn't seeking with her whole heart.

00:13:17.063 --> 00:13:17.184
Yeah.

00:13:18.125 --> 00:13:19.711
Or this isn't supposed to point to that.

00:13:19.871 --> 00:13:20.052
Right.

00:13:20.232 --> 00:13:21.869
Or not at all, or like sometimes.

00:13:21.869 --> 00:13:27.951
In the Old Testament it says like you will seek me or you will call out to me, but I will not answer you right, like that's the thing.

00:13:27.991 --> 00:13:31.075
Right, yeah, that's what the wicked now right.

00:13:31.695 --> 00:13:46.107
So that's allegory, I can be interpreted right, I guess like hey, if you, if you forsake him enough, he gives you up to your own ways, romans one, and then if you try to seek him, he cannot be found in that moment or whatever, but if you seek him enough, even if you're the wicked, he will answer, which which he does.

00:13:46.107 --> 00:13:47.470
Yeah, so that's how, I don't know.

00:13:47.470 --> 00:13:51.975
That's the most I can do, she's okay, that's good.

00:13:52.475 --> 00:13:55.438
Um, hon, what else did you get out of this text here?

00:13:55.438 --> 00:13:59.410
Um, I like how they bring up the, the community.

00:13:59.410 --> 00:13:59.831
What is your?

00:13:59.831 --> 00:14:00.533
They go.

00:14:00.533 --> 00:14:04.188
She says hey, daughters, jerusalem, you see him yeah let him know I'm sick with love.

00:14:04.188 --> 00:14:07.176
And then the other's like what do you mean?

00:14:07.176 --> 00:14:07.865
You're sick with love.

00:14:07.865 --> 00:14:09.994
What is your beloved more than another beloved?

00:14:09.994 --> 00:14:11.745
Oh, most beautiful among women.

00:14:11.745 --> 00:14:13.211
You can have anybody you want.

00:14:13.211 --> 00:14:15.152
Where do you think she's going with that?

00:14:16.686 --> 00:14:19.134
The person asking the question or her answer.

00:14:19.144 --> 00:14:22.673
The others, the others people, I guess daughters of Jerusalem.

00:14:25.129 --> 00:14:30.270
Yeah, you don't get an explanation of their intentions here.

00:14:30.270 --> 00:14:37.676
Are they trying to slam, are they being like, what's so great about this guy?

00:14:37.676 --> 00:14:40.573
Or are they trying to draw out and remind her?

00:14:40.573 --> 00:14:43.113
So which way did you go with that, mo?

00:14:43.666 --> 00:14:44.591
Draw out and remind her yeah.

00:14:44.591 --> 00:14:48.013
Because it sounds like what is your beloved?

00:14:48.033 --> 00:14:51.225
more this guy you're into.

00:14:51.225 --> 00:14:51.888
He's not that great like.

00:14:51.888 --> 00:14:54.594
Move on you know, but um throughout the song.

00:14:54.594 --> 00:14:55.937
The others are really like.

00:14:55.937 --> 00:15:01.986
They're really more of like a positive voice right, yeah and um it's, it's kind of a mix, like they're.

00:15:01.986 --> 00:15:19.054
They're into the relationship and supportive of it, but also they're listening to the relationship and taking advice from it, and so it seems more like genuine curiosity and trying to draw out like, okay, remember again or tell us again why this person is special to you um and which she does.

00:15:19.134 --> 00:15:30.927
So, um, I think that's an important role for um in terms of relationship, you can, you can go um, you know, uh, uh, like a dating relationship relationship, or you can go to your relationship with Christ.

00:15:30.927 --> 00:15:37.672
But the role of the church in each of those things is to like draw out and remind you what is it about this person that has drawn you to them?

00:15:37.893 --> 00:15:38.715
Is it good Is?

00:15:38.794 --> 00:15:42.812
it worthy, is it you know something in terms of a dating relationship?

00:15:42.812 --> 00:15:43.173
You know?

00:15:43.173 --> 00:15:45.366
Hey, tell me again, why is it that you're into this person?

00:15:45.366 --> 00:15:46.489
Is it that they love Christ?

00:15:46.489 --> 00:15:47.792
Is it that they're a godly person?

00:15:47.792 --> 00:15:58.095
Or, hey, remember again why you followed Jesus in the first place, like what was it about him that you know brought you in, that drew you in?

00:15:58.095 --> 00:16:00.720
And remember again, you know your desire for Jesus.

00:16:00.720 --> 00:16:02.966
So I think it works both those ways, yeah.

00:16:03.167 --> 00:16:03.706
That is good.

00:16:03.706 --> 00:16:16.316
I also, you know, when I think of this makes me think of Revelation, because it talks about his arms, like Rod's ivory Now granted, in Revelation it's like he's bronzed, yeah, so, so different.

00:16:16.316 --> 00:16:26.182
But then also, like the Church of Ephesus lost their first love, like you have all the right doctrine, all the right whatever, and yet you're not, you have no love for me.

00:16:26.182 --> 00:16:40.697
So I kind of appreciated that aspect, that a conflict, because there's always pointing towards Christ and the church, right, because of Ephesians 5 makes every marriage about Christ and the church.

00:16:40.697 --> 00:16:56.932
And so I do think there is something there of like when she reminds him, it's like, hey, you are classy, you are strong, you're protective, you've got it all taken care of and this is my beloved and this is my friend.

00:16:57.493 --> 00:17:00.054
I thought that was a sweet way to kind of land the plane.

00:17:01.115 --> 00:17:14.193
And she's like oh, thank you, daughters of Jerusalem, here's all the reasons why I love him, and then that's where they're like we will seek him with you, which we find out in chapter 6.

00:17:14.193 --> 00:17:19.784
So, anyway, any other thoughts on Song of Solomon, chapter 5?

00:17:19.784 --> 00:17:21.451
Any other marriage advice we can dole out here?

00:17:21.451 --> 00:17:24.930
Keep short accounts.

00:17:24.930 --> 00:17:32.297
I like how she doesn't go back to her bed and go.

00:17:32.625 --> 00:17:33.569
Eh, he'll figure itself out.

00:17:35.166 --> 00:17:45.336
She's like I want resolution to this Now, on the same hand, going out and chasing the streets, and it's dangerous when what we find out is he's just in the garden.

00:17:45.336 --> 00:17:46.865
We find out oh, where is he?

00:17:46.865 --> 00:17:47.488
Oh, he's actually in the garden.

00:17:47.488 --> 00:17:48.609
And you, you know, we find out like, oh, where is he?

00:17:48.609 --> 00:17:49.532
Oh, he's actually in the garden.

00:17:49.532 --> 00:17:56.196
And you went running through the streets because you were emotionally compromised through the whole thing and he's been here the whole time.

00:17:56.546 --> 00:17:57.730
You just missed him again.

00:17:58.152 --> 00:17:58.834
Like what's wrong?

00:17:58.834 --> 00:18:08.536
Like you've got to like, pull yourself together and think logically, not that he's chasing after another woman but that he's just going.

00:18:08.536 --> 00:18:30.510
You know, he's gonna go back to the garden where he was, uh, and yeah, his hair is a little wet because he's been out all night, but I I think there's that part of it where sometimes in a relationship you can mind read and sort of like assume, assume, aka assume the, the worst that your spouse is doing yeah, so assume the worst.

00:18:31.086 --> 00:18:32.732
So she goes to assume the worst.

00:18:32.732 --> 00:18:39.113
They must be out gallivanting around because she lost her chance and he's way more godly than that.

00:18:39.113 --> 00:18:46.259
And so I think sometimes when we get emotionally compromised, sad, hurt, whatever.

00:18:46.259 --> 00:18:50.607
We then go to the worst case scenario, which is kind of what she does here as opposed to.

00:18:50.607 --> 00:18:53.276
My husband would be doing the right thing.

00:18:53.276 --> 00:18:55.751
Where's the most logical place for him to be?

00:18:56.165 --> 00:19:06.488
Yeah, and I love as well just verse 5, that my hands dripped with myrrh, my fingers with liquid myrrh on the handles of the bolt.

00:19:06.488 --> 00:19:23.317
That, when she didn't get up, when she, you know, ignored him, his um efforts to, you know, come to her to love her, he, he left a blessing there, um the thing that has represented their relationship myrrh right.

00:19:23.436 --> 00:19:26.932
That has represented his presence, his love, his affection for her.

00:19:26.932 --> 00:19:29.175
Um, he leaves a blessing for her.

00:19:29.175 --> 00:19:47.758
And so I think, just a reminder and encouragement, a message to the husbands, like when you feel like I'm trying to love my wife, I'm trying to serve her, I'm trying to lead, she's not receiving it or you know, she's still treating me this way, like if, if you're struggling with, you, know the way your, your wife is following your lead or receiving your love.

00:19:47.758 --> 00:19:57.346
I think this is a good encouragement, just to remember always leave a blessing, never return reviling for reviling, yeah.

00:19:57.425 --> 00:19:58.930
I thought what you did on Sunday was great.

00:19:58.930 --> 00:20:00.715
With that, you brought up that exact point.

00:20:01.065 --> 00:20:01.266
And.

00:20:01.766 --> 00:20:03.568
I wonder what's a practical?

00:20:03.648 --> 00:20:06.432
way that we can apply this?

00:20:06.432 --> 00:20:08.175
What are some ways that that we can apply this?

00:20:08.175 --> 00:20:20.130
What are some ways that, as you wish, with your wife, but what are some ways that, when there's friction, that you leave a blessing for her to linger, with which I love that?

00:20:20.130 --> 00:20:26.111
I mean, how can we as men because I feel like I always bring it up in my marriage coaching there's three types of couples.

00:20:26.111 --> 00:20:27.096
There are couples that are pursuing each other.

00:20:27.096 --> 00:20:28.161
I there's three types of couples.

00:20:28.161 --> 00:20:30.511
They're couples that are pursuing each other.

00:20:30.692 --> 00:20:33.747
I call that the italian couple because they're usually pursuing each other very loudly.

00:20:33.747 --> 00:20:38.671
There's the victorian couple, where they're like, not pursuing each other, where they're both avoiding each other.

00:20:38.671 --> 00:20:40.618
And then there's the american couple.

00:20:40.618 --> 00:20:55.234
Uh, that one person is nagging, the other person is giving them space, and what's happening here is the husband realizes the rejection and he's not going to force himself, but he leaves a blessing.

00:20:55.234 --> 00:21:07.474
And I'm trying to think through, like, how can we as Christian men, when there is hurt, leave a blessing and maybe you can't get too specific, because then it loses its?

00:21:07.897 --> 00:21:18.569
yeah reality, but maybe leave a blessing yeah, cook a meal flowers there you go, uh, do the laundry do whatever like normally is her, whatever role, job, whatever.

00:21:18.670 --> 00:21:49.253
Maybe you'd take the initiative, maybe plan the date night um, also resist the urge to be petty, yeah, to be passive, aggressive, to just ignore or be rude or, you know, give the silent treatment, you know, when all those things, that kind of all the the petty, sinful, immature stuff that rises up in your flesh, that just to reject that stuff and to continue to be a loving, consistent, um, uh, uh, yeah, presence and pursuit of your life.

00:21:50.226 --> 00:21:51.550
In the marriage coaching I've done.

00:21:51.550 --> 00:22:06.270
It looks like this the woman is hurt because of something the man did inadvertently, or didn't do, or didn't do, or just like a sin of omission or a sin of commission, but it wasn't intentional.

00:22:06.270 --> 00:22:13.624
And then the man gets so frustrated that he feels he feels like I can't take that.

00:22:13.624 --> 00:22:20.686
She just is walking all over and I didn't even, and then he rises up and it escalates a battle of like world war three.

00:22:20.727 --> 00:22:23.933
And now he's like oh, prison rules, all right, let's go.

00:22:23.933 --> 00:22:34.712
And I think what happens is that couples create a battle where the husband could go hey, I love you and I want the best for you and for some reason you're not receiving it.

00:22:34.712 --> 00:22:38.836
I'm going to leave something here for you to remember this by while I give you some space.

00:22:38.836 --> 00:23:06.152
And if there was never any sense of I don't know payback because I feel like that's where I got to get the last word in I got to make sure she knows how wrong she is I don't want to be a doormat and to lovingly express your care for her, even when she's coming at you with harshness or even untruth.

00:23:06.152 --> 00:23:17.058
I think that becomes super valuable ultimately for the relationship, because she'll remember how you treat her, not when everyone was lovey and dovey, but when she was wrong or angry or hurt.

00:23:17.464 --> 00:23:29.049
Yeah, and I think sometimes that can be you know the emotions are rising and stuff and saying, hey, I don't want to argue with you, I want to lead us through this.

00:23:29.049 --> 00:23:32.992
I don't feel like I'm in a good place to do that right now, but I don't want to just leave it alone.

00:23:32.992 --> 00:23:34.276
Let's come back to this.

00:23:34.276 --> 00:23:42.846
Let's take some time to pray instead of just being like, well, screw you, and you know, just like I'm going to walk away and I'm not, I'm not going to.

00:23:42.846 --> 00:23:53.260
You know, just leaving and giving no indication of hey, I want to come back and resolve, but simply just clearly sharing I love you.

00:23:53.260 --> 00:23:59.645
We're going to get through this.

00:23:59.666 --> 00:24:01.872
Let's take some space and some prayer and come back to it at this time or this date.

00:24:01.932 --> 00:24:02.673
I call that a controlled withdrawal.

00:24:03.194 --> 00:24:25.719
I think what's really helpful is where a couple, they're pursuing each other in anger and then they say, hey, let's stop to get our focus on the Lord, and then we can come back together to resolve this, that is going to be ultimately the most helpful thing, and if he can lead in that by loving her first and then she can respond.

00:24:25.719 --> 00:24:33.865
I think what's hard for men a lot of the times is that they miss out on the fact that they are the initiator and the wife is the responder.

00:24:33.865 --> 00:24:47.589
And anytime you get that backwards, the husband responding to his wife puts him in a space that he was not designed for and it creates a negative outcome.

00:24:47.589 --> 00:25:05.246
No matter what, even if he goes passive and says I don't want to fight, whatever you want, that doesn't help, because I think what happens a man responding with, hey, happy wife, happy life is not what we're talking about, because I think, that's the struggle.

00:25:05.526 --> 00:25:06.407
How does a man?

00:25:06.909 --> 00:25:13.740
stay on the initiative to say, because it could be that his wife is in sin and that she is wrong.

00:25:13.740 --> 00:25:32.337
But how can he lovingly calm her, stop her, reorient her, leave a blessing and then pursue her again in a way that honors God, his role, her role and I think that's where I feel like most couples struggle is they get to this place of the woman, says, well, this is how it's going to be.

00:25:32.337 --> 00:25:39.953
And in his head he's like I don't think that's right, but happy wife, happy life, I don't want to battle this anymore, I don't really care.

00:25:39.953 --> 00:25:41.611
Fine, whatever you want to do.

00:25:41.611 --> 00:25:53.952
And then she wins, which in a moment feels good for her but ultimately makes her feel less secure and she's going to battle even more as they go, makes her feel less secure and she's going to battle even more as they go.

00:25:53.972 --> 00:25:54.675
I think that becomes the hard spot.

00:25:54.675 --> 00:26:00.493
And so for the husband to say, hey, we're going to stop this right now, we're not going to continue battling and I'm not going to engage with you.

00:26:00.493 --> 00:26:01.817
I want to love you through this.

00:26:01.817 --> 00:26:05.479
We're going to come back at whatever time to reconnect about this.

00:26:05.479 --> 00:26:06.965
There's children around right now.

00:26:06.965 --> 00:26:08.327
I want to parent them really well.

00:26:08.788 --> 00:26:09.769
And that might anyway.

00:26:09.769 --> 00:26:11.031
I know there's this.

00:26:11.031 --> 00:26:17.970
It gets hard to deal with specifics, but the one thing I don't want men to do is to walk away from this like just whatever she wants.

00:26:17.970 --> 00:26:19.875
That's not the answer.

00:26:20.317 --> 00:26:24.709
Yeah, that's passivity, that's not leading, that's abdicating your role.

00:26:24.788 --> 00:26:25.451
You wanted this.

00:26:25.451 --> 00:26:32.282
You know you get what you want, and so I think that's hard and it's tempting.

00:26:32.282 --> 00:26:33.265
Obviously it's very tempting.

00:26:33.325 --> 00:26:36.987
Yeah, I mean, I think we've all been tempted with that, or we've been guilty of it, sure, yeah.

00:26:38.066 --> 00:26:45.271
I think there's the consistent sort of like I just want the fighting to stop and then the cost cannot be.

00:26:45.271 --> 00:26:46.915
I'll just respond to you.

00:26:46.915 --> 00:27:01.035
And that's where you find a beaten man in a home where he is not leading and the wife is carrying that weight, and it makes for things being out of sync.

00:27:01.035 --> 00:27:20.329
And so I think one of the things that might be wise if that's you then getting to a place where you know talk to a pastor, talk to someone who's godly, and say how can I initiate, even when it's feeling like I'm constantly responding to her gripes or her whatever's and you're on your heels all the time, it's probably because at some point you check out.

00:27:20.329 --> 00:27:29.105
So you check out into your phone, you check out into sports, you check out into the news, you check out to work out whatever, and you don't ever come back to engage and lead.

00:27:29.105 --> 00:27:33.271
That becomes problematic, yeah, and you don't ever come back to engage and lead.

00:27:33.271 --> 00:27:36.355
That becomes problematic, yeah, so, yeah, amen, yeah, all right, hey, any other thoughts on that?

00:27:36.355 --> 00:27:38.499
Hey, thanks so much for watching.

00:27:38.578 --> 00:27:46.162
If you have any questions, we talk about faith, culture, everything in between you can text us at 737-231-0625.

00:27:46.162 --> 00:27:46.825
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00:27:46.825 --> 00:27:49.925
We'd love to hear from you, from our house to yours.

00:27:49.925 --> 00:27:50.707
Have an awesome.